The Widening Gyre…

I can’t sleep. This is not a new phenomenon.

On my last vacation on a psych ward, I was prescribed quetiapine 200mg/p.d. to coincide with my daily venlafaxine 225mg p.d. All was good — my mood and ideation balanced, as I accommodated to the new meds. The quetiapine didn’t change anything I noted immediately, the venlafaxine worked well, and for once, I felt good about myself and vaguely optimistic about an equally inchoate future.

The problem for me with quetiapine (Seroquel) is that a common side effect is weight gain; with a long-term eating disorder and body dysphoria, the prospect of additional weight gain was terrifying. I skimped out on my useful psych meds because the consequences would exacerbate the psych symptoms that led me there originally. It’s like being in a hall of shattered mirrors: I only see myself reflected in broken pieces, the shards of which I can gather only randomly, and which cut without discretion.

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~ by Benji on February 2, 2018.

3 Responses to “The Widening Gyre…”

  1. I understand… I remember when I was on Seroquel I slept like there was no tomorrow – but also put on weight. I don’t know what to suggest except to try some natural remedies to help you sleep?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I still have a valid prescription for it, have about a 50-day supply on hand, but take it only when the insomnia is too much. The prospect of weight gain is enough on its own to wreck me, but cheap vodka and Seroquel can make it go away for a night at least. Shaking hands, morning coffee and Ariel can make greyness somewhat lighter, enough to read Adorno, Faulkner and Ali Smith. Yet when the sky of night crashes, the need to not-be rises… like a vampire, condemned to crave that which they will never have: life.

      Liked by 1 person

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