How I Ended Up in Hospital Right Now

(Firstly, I’m past the part where I was in any kind of danger, and am stable.) I’m writing this because the circumstances that surrounded my presence here were so bizarre, so unlike anything that had ever happened to me. It started Wednesday afternoon, apropos of nothing, I was seized by a crying fit. I don’t mean a crying fit, I mean a body-wracking tears pouring crying fit. I thought it weird, though little more of it.

Thursday, my only goal for the day was to return some overdue books to the library and watch season four of Veep — I’d been to this library a million times and come out each time without a hitch. Today felt slightly different though; eidolons swam on the periphery and I felt not myself. I made it halfway. On queue, the tears returned in earnest, and I hastily turned into a side road, parked and clenched myself and just wept and wept until the spasm passed. I sat there for about ten minutes, heart pounding, trying to slow my breathing. Then I went back out.

I made it to the library, got in dropped into the nearest chair and collected myself again. I went and took a long drink of water, dropped my books off at the desk and headed home. I knew immediately that this was a mistake, as I felt even more tenuously in control of my body and car. It’s like I was watching myself watching someone else watch me drive. I was going to get someone — likely myself — killed. I pulled off the main drag and into the nearest harbor I could find — the drive up ATM of an Alpine Bank. I gave the teller my dad’s two numbers and collapsed on the kerb, hyperventilating and disoriented. I weakly heard him ask if he should call 911? I finally answered yes.

Sitting, heart exploding mind racing listening just for the sound of sirens. When they got there, my pulse was 185 and highly irregular and my BP 203/147. The ambulance ride was the longest eight minutes of my life. Arrythmetic tachycardia, severe hypokalemia, severe hypomagnesemia — a full-blown panic attack gifting a hypertensive crisis. This is why I am currently in hospital.

(Updated)

Postscript: It’s like being on the psych ward, except more desolate. There, at least exists the camaraderie of those who know that society doesn’t accept them. The fellowship of the damned. Here exists the desolation of those who believe society accepts them, but these individuals have just forgotten how it works. Lost the rules. Each exists in a private hell, for whom the medical establishment serves only to rebuke that these individuals too, once had practices and futures and love towards which to dream. Now, they are purveyors of meds of dubious value.

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~ by Benji on 15 August 2015.

One Response to “How I Ended Up in Hospital Right Now”

  1. Benji! Get well soon. Can you read books? Rest, rest…

    Liked by 1 person

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