An Unanticipated Journey

I didn’t choose to write this. Really, it sort of imposed itself on me, as did the story itself. I was lying in bed some minutes ago, fully ready to pass out and focus on tomorrow’s literature and my own meagre attempts to give it credit. I’m not a great writer, but I had to tell my story. 

I’m gay. I didn’t come out until I was 25 (28 now). I had to tell my then-girlfriend that as much as I loved her (and still do), she’d never be happy with me or me with her. It’s so hard to tell a woman you love deeply and truly that this relationship needs to end for your sake as well as for mine. Parting with her was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. She called me her best friend; to this day, I don’t know how I didn’t completely break down. Were she ever to read this, I just hope she knows how mutual the feeling is. I doubt I’ll ever speak with her again, but she will always be a source of light in my life. Her family as well.

I opened up today to my psychiatrist. I told him some things I hadn’t exactly shared previously. Not just with him, but with most of my friends. I’m not very open with the people in my life; my closest friends as well as those women and men I’ve opened up with on twitter (you know who you are) know relatively little about *me* — as a rule, I don’t share. @reginamorales @greeniejules and without a doubt my dear sister chelsey and my best friend christine know more about me than most, but i tend to keep to myself.

back to dr. fields. i told him about my 15-year struggle with an eating disorder, talked finally about my four suicide attempts, my inability to come out as a teenager. i’m on top of things with great friends and great support.

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~ by Benji on 22 October 2013.

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