…or the lack thereof.

I’ve been ruminating about this for some time now, yet can only just write about it. It was almost a year ago today I was rushed to the nearest hospital after ODing on a sedative… with every intent on not waking up. It was my third suicide attempt of 2012 and the most serious one at that. I don’t remember the details, but they entailed three days on a ventilator and a lengthy hospital stay to follow. 

Why did I try to kill myself? That’s a tough question to answer. I guess it was a lack of faith in myself; just a general ennui for which I had no available answer. The days just seemed to roll by, with no general sense of a potential future. I dreamt of hell. 

Basically a year later, things are different. I still doubt I’ll ever find true love, though I’ve discovered my calling in life. I no longer find myself wallowing in despair — things are okay. 

~ by Benji on October 1, 2013.

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