Regarding 2012

As it’s now 2013 and this past year of hell is in the rearview mirror, I feel finally comfortable sharing this bit of information about me. Some of you may know this, but I’m guessing most of you don’t. Certainly my Twitter pals don’t (to my knowledge at least) and I’d imagine most of my Facebook friends or anyone who follows this site don’t either, to my knowledge. So — in a new turn for me —let’s try frankness, as you all deserve nothing else.

I attempted suicide three times in 2012, one of which earned me a three-day respite in the ICU, replete with intubation and very nearly costing me my life. Now, the story of how I got to that point is long and complicated, and a story I’m willing to tell to anyone interested. Ultimately, however, the decision to take my life was mine and mine alone. Let me say that I’m extremely thankful I failed, but the sincerity behind each attempt (and subsequent hospitalization) was nothing if not genuine. I legitimately wanted to cease to be, and that fact is a truly frightening thing to confront in this, the current phase of my young life.

That I didn’t mount a fourth and likely successful attempt has to do a great deal with you all — and I’m serious here, meeting so many wonderful, intelligent and funny persons from all over the globe has helped invigorate a faith in humanity that had waned. Beyond that, gaining ever-more confidence in myself has only shown me in stark clarity how interesting life can be and what a waste it would be to throw it away. So thank you! 

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~ by Benji on 1 February 2013.

3 Responses to “Regarding 2012”

  1. Ben, I am so sad to hear how you struggled all year. I was always an attentive listener to you through FB and Occupy. I do find you intelligent, interesting and cool. You have so much to give the world and we need you.

    I am a recovering alcoholic (8 years sober) and I know something about life, emotions, and death. First off your emotions are not your friends. Even when they are happy emotions they get us to do stupid things. Second, emotions are not real. They are only real to the victim of them. Third, emotions make wonderful servants and tyrannical masters. Fourth, emotions pass away and another one comes up that doesn’t remember the previous emotion. Fifth, they are caused by hormones; older people are not so plagued with them at least not the tsunami variety. I have known many young people who ended their own lives while on an emotional bender. We see that so often in AA.

    As I don’t know you much in the real world I do not know if you have a drinking or drug problem, but if any of these episodes happened under even a modest intoxication please, PLEASE come to our little way of life that would give you the companionship and freedom from these influences to live a life of joy.

    If you do not have reason to go with us, then please, son, please reach out more in the physical world to find friendship and companionship amongst people that listen and engage you.

    I like to consider you my friend and you can call me anytime. 815/978-4648. I am a mother of two sons both older than you. Life is not fair, Ben but it is often wonderful.

    Warm personal regards dear son.

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  2. I’m glad you’re still with us 🙂

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  3. It is brave of you to write about this. And we are so glad you are still with us. You have such a beautiful soul. I know what it is like to be depressed – I have struggled with it for the last 6 or 7 years now and in fact, it started long ago after my first husband took his own life. (Don’t know if I told you this before). You have SO much love to give (and receive). Get (professional) help if you haven’t already. Talk to people. Get as much help as you can. And know that your friends are there for you. Always.

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