The Pre-Post Election Speech Obama Should Have Given

(Scene: Chicago campaign headquarters going completely berserk. Ohio has just been called and Obama is officially the winner. Crowd goes more berserk. In walks the president, and fainting and spontaneous emission of bodily fluids commences).

(Loud cheers)

Obama: Thank you! Thank you! Thank YOU! We — we did a remarkable thing this campaign. (Pauses for more cheers) spent $1 billion dollars to buy an election the other side couldn’t even buy more with that! We made Ham Rove look like Ham salad Rove (takes a deep hit from a blunt with the presidential seal on it). How about that Chicago? Speaking of which, does anyone. Have. Any ham salad? I could use some. Ha ha.

(crowd laughs, coughs in unison)

Obama: We managed to shatter the other guy’s great glass car elevator ceiling. And we did it while tapping away slowly at the glass ceiling of our own. Are there are women in the house?

(women roar in approval)

Obama: …oh, that many? Well, you do not count. Please enjoy your complementary vaginal probe and packet of aspirin while you leave. Ladies need that sort of thing. I’m told. Are there are LGBTs in the house?

(lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals roar in approval)

Obama: You are not Americans. Please exit by any any door but the one straight ahead, what’s that? Oh, exit or entry, whatever God and straight people  decided you’re allowed do. Any Latinos or Latinas in the room?

(Latino/a crowd claps politely)

Obama: You have brown skin, therefore I do not trust you. True, so do I, but the secret Muslim terrorists are played by white guys now. Is Congressman Sgt. Nicholas Brody in house? Fist jab, brother. If you a DREAMer, please return to the country of your origin. The American people will not stand for you to have chosen to enter our country illegally when you were two. Fellow African-Americans…

Obama: If you care about clean air, clean water, renewable energy, ExxonMobil cares more than you do, which is why I pledge to continue subsidies to most profitable nation, er corporation on earth. If you believe that clean coal exists and drilling should be expanded, stand… really, no one? Guys?

Obama: And finally (speaking to an-almost empty room) This is how we built America. This is the promise for change we need.

And if you wanted to hear this speech or think that there was no difference in this election, this is what the other guy and party were promising. God bless you (he’s the old white dozing in the corner there) and God bless the United States of America.

~ by Benji on November 10, 2012.

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