So for the time being, let’s just say that I’m okay and fully appreciate the outpouring of love and support. You guys are awesome.

The past ten years have been dark times for me, the past year darker, recent months darkest, and the past few weeks the absolute nadir of my existence. Without going into details, I can tell you that I’m safe, and that I think things will get better from here. What I’ve realized during this, my most recent hospitalization, is that the impetus to change oneself radically cannot come externally. Medications, therapy, hospitalization, overdoses, withdrawal (which thankfully isn’t something I’ve had to deal with) — no matter how shocking to the psyche or body, none are enough to push oneself forward unless one wants to move. Without some internal spark that demands life, you’re just not going to be able to do it.

So for now, I’m working on that spark.

~ by Benji on October 2, 2010.

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