New Things

Out of a 4 1/2 year long relationship, out of the closet, freshly inked, and moved into a new place as of Wednesday. New things abound. I find myself in the sort of nostalgic introspective mood which washed over my late teen years and early twenties, but which has been largely absent for the past few years. You know, that sense that time is ebbing away and that things in your life about which you feel like you should care deeply but can’t quite keep moving in cardinalish directions away from whatever sense of self you’ve salvaged?

So yeah, new beginnings and what not. It’s strange being in this place. I feel the clock starting to count down on my youth, and I can’t say I’ve really ever allowed myself to experience it. The careless vulnerability, impulsivity, hope. I lack these things in my life, and yet they’re what I’m told defines “youth.”

I really can’t quantify or qualify anything at this point. I find myself aching for something real with the concomitant knowledge that real emotion is probably beyond anything I’m capable of at the moment. It’s funny and yet profoundly sad, as I watch friends and lovers find their mates and fall in love, that I can’t even conceive of an emotional connection to another human being. It seems so naive and unreachable. The idea almost seems laughable, and the reality something which I dare not even consider. Emo? Perhaps. It’s never fun to find oneself in the familiar position of feeling unconnected to everything.

~ by Benji on September 6, 2010.

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